Sunday, September 21, 2008

No Funeral "live-blogs" the Emmys

Why watch the Emmys? Let me do it for you! This way, you're not subjected to horrible shit like "Grey's Anatomy" and Charlie Sheen. Check back througout the course of the evening for frequent updates.

(6:00 p.m.)
The "pre-game" shows have started. Ryan Seacrest's life must be pure hell. Sure, the money's good, but how many consecutive days could you pretend to care about "Desperate Housewives?"
Also, all times are Central.

(6:21 p.m.)
It would be best for everyone if Jeremy Piven chilled out on the HGH and the Propecia for awhile. His hormones are in overdrive, just ask Giuliana DiPandi (or whatever her name is). He's like a rapist going through puberty.

(6:59 p.m.)
...and Jimmy Kimmel wrote another song. Ugh.

(7:04 p.m.)
...and Oprah keeps talking. Ugh.

(7:12 p.m.)
Whoever writes this shit (Bruce Valance?) should be publicly caned. It's virtually impossible to make Tina Fey and Amy Poehler look bad but the Emmy writers figured out a way to do it.

Jeremy Piven, again, won for playing Ari. I know he's the only good actor on an unwatchable show, but it seems irresponsible to award him for that.

(7:20 p.m.)
Elaine presented Best Supporting Actress (Comedy). Jean Smart won the award for her work on "Designing Women." Sure, the trophy says "Samantha Who?" but let's be honest. Smart was the only actor on the list that the Emmy voters have ever heard of before. Hell, Smart was the only one on TV 20 years ago. That's why she received an award she didn't deserve. It's nothing against her. Anyone who watched "30 Rock" last year will tell you that.

(7:31 p.m.)
Before you start asking "Who is Zeljko Ivanek?", he played the governor on HBO's "Oz" and he's been in millions of movies and shows. He deserved that award for his work on "Damages."

(7:33 p.m.)
Jackee Harry is an Emmy winner? Holy shit...

(7:35 p.m.)
The Gervais/Carrell exchange was pissed.

(7:35 p.m.)
The Emmy's gave itself an award for award show direction. Classy.

(7:44 p.m.)
Conan gave out Best Supporting Actress (Drama). In a clear go-with-the-HBO-show vote, Diane Weist wins for HBO's gimmicky "In Treatment."

Jennifer Love Hewitt and the cheerleader from "Heroes" gave away Best Writing (Variety). No wrong answer here. I love their presentations of the nominees. The writers do that themselves, right? The Colbert Report wins. Really? It was their first win. I guess it's best to get it out of the way.

(7:55 p.m.)
I see that Steve Martin can still bring it, as long as paying tribute to one of his heroes is involved. Is it going to take Carl Reiner dying to get Steve Martin to star in another good movie?

As far as honoring Tommy Smothers goes, in the immortal words of Kent Brockman, "It's about fucking time."

(8:03 p.m.)
Josh Groban spouts an unlistenable, spastic, indecipherable, blastbeat of annoying, keyboard-driven TV show jingles. Disgusting. Somewhere in Los Angeles, an "entertainment executive" thinks he is very clever for "pulling this off."

(8:09 p.m.)
Class actor and safe pick Laura Linney wins Best Actress (Mini-series) for the thoroughly average "John Adams."

(8:20 p.m.)
Carol Burnett gives Best Variety Show to "The Daily Show." Fucking whatever. I guess they hate George Bush that much.

(8:21 p.m.)
Some reality show bimbo and the guy who played Angel give out the Guest Actor (Comedy) awards. Tim Conway rules anyway. He doesn't need your trophy. Best Director (Comedy) went to former A-lister Barry Sonnenfeld for "Pushing Daisies." I haven't seen the show but I can only hope that it's better than "Big Trouble."

Best Writer (Comedy) went to Tina Fey. Kind of hard to fuck up that one. Can we all agree that, after this year, Tina Fey is officially one of the great ones?

(8:37 p.m.)
"Recount" wins Best MOW for HBO. It's a good flick, if you haven't seen it.

Also, I'm flipping back-and-forth to the Family Guy Star Wars episode. It's hilarious that Peter dragged that old couch through the Death Star.

(8:45 p.m.)
This five-hosts act is wearing thin. The rest of the mini-series awards are given out. "John Adams" wins something. "Recount" wins something else. Yakkity, yakkity, wocka, wocka. Jay Roach, from the Austin Powers series, directed "Recount?" You know what, I dug his Alaskan hockey movie and dude has skills. Why does he do so many shitty Hollywood movies?

More mini-series awards. "John Adams" wins Best Writing. More people are watching these two shows get their awards than actually watched the shows themselves. Whatever. This whole thing is an exersice in ego stroking. If it weren't, "The Wire" would have more than one flipping nomination.

(8:58 p.m.)
Don Rickles is too pissed to live. If you don't understand this, you really need to wake up. Kathy Griffin isn't her usual, grating self. Not bad.

The world's best reality show, ho-ho, is "The Amazing Race," again. Six straight wins. To be fair, when I only had rabbit ears, "The Amazing Race" is one of the only watchable reality shows. I suppose that makes it Emmy worthy. Ugh.

Sally Field is still alive. Good for her. The Best Mini-Series award went to "John Adams." Tom Hanks, plus that thing on his head, showed up to scoop up the hardware.

(9:10 p.m.)
Best Variety Performer went to Don Rickles. Right on. The best drama director is the dude from "House." "Mad Men" wins Best Writing (Drama) over "The Wire." There is no justice in this world.

(9:25 p.m.)
Of course, Paul Giamatti wins for "John Adams." He's grim because he was in "Sideways" and hundreds of other kvlt shows. Another no-brainer award: Alec Baldwin for "30 Rock" gets Best Actor (Comedy). The duh-train continues: Glenn Close wins for "Damages."

(9:39 p.m.)
The Emmys finally get one right. Bryan Cranston (Malcolm's dad, Jerry's dentist) wins Best Actor (drama) for the criminally underrated "Breaking Bad." WATCH THIS SHOW!

Tina Fey wins Best Actress. Can she get the hat trick? We'll soon find out. I like the reality show host bit.

(9:55 p.m.)
Tina Fey gets the hat trick. "30 Rock" wins. Face it, it's better than The Office. It is. 30Oct08. You have been warned.

Magnum P.I. gave out the Best Drama trophy. "Mad Men" wins. Douchebags have a new favorite show. The Emmys are over. "The Wire" got screwed. Everyone's time has been wasted. Goodbye.

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